Stone United Methodist Church
Sunday, October 22, 2017
Creating a Community of Caring Christians
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From the Internet

With so many things circulating on the internet, it's hard to keep up with appropriate Christian messages.  When I find something that truly reflects our Christian values, I will post it on this specific web page for your viewing.
 
 

Church Humor

 

 

Why go to church?

One Sunday morning, a mother went in to wake her son and tell him it was time to get ready for church, to which he replied, "I'm not going." 

"Why not?" she asked.

I'll give you two good reasons," he said. "(1), they don't like me, and (2), I don't like them."

His mother replied, "I'll give you two good reasons why you SHOULD go to church:

(1) You're 59 years old, and (2) you're the pastor!"

 

The Picnic

A Jewish Rabbi and a Catholic Priest met at the town's annual 4th of July picnic. Old friends, they began their usual banter.

"This baked ham is really delicious," the priest teased the rabbi. "You really ought to try it. I know it's against your religion, but I can't understand why such a wonderful food should be forbidden! You don't know what you're missing. You just haven't lived until you've tried Mrs. Hall's prized Virginia Baked Ham. Tell me, Rabbi, when are you going to break down and try it?"

The rabbi looked at the priest with a big grin, and said, "At your wedding."

 

The Usher

An elderly woman walked into the local country church. The friendly usher greeted her at the door and helped her up the flight of steps.

"Where would you like to sit?" he asked politely.

"The front row, please," she answered. "You really don't want to do that," the usher said. "The pastor is really boring." 

"Do you happen to know who I am?" the woman inquired.

"No," he said.

"I'm the pastor's mother," she replied indignantly.

"Do you know who I am?" he asked.

"No," she said.

"Good," he answered.

 

The Best Way To Pray

A priest, a minister and a guru sat discussing the best positions for prayer, while a telephone repairman worked

nearby "Kneeling is definitely the best way to pray," the priest said.

"No," said the minister. "I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven."

"You're both wrong," the guru said. "The most effective prayer position is lying down on the floor."

The repairman could contain himself no longer. "Hey, fellas," he interrupted. "The best prayin' I ever did was when I was hangin' upside down from a telephone pole."

 

Goat for Dinner

The young couple invited their elderly pastor for Sunday dinner.  While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son what they were having.

"Goat," the little boy replied.

"Goat?" replied the startled man of the cloth, "Are you sure about that?"

"Yep," said the youngster. "I heard Dad say to Mom, 'Today is just as good as any to have the old goat for dinner.'"

 

Lord, keep Your arm around my shoulder and Your hand over my mouth!

 
 
 
 
Turn on your speakers... ♫
 
https://www.youtube.com/embed/FcLF5wopyjo
 
 

This is titled "Stethoscope."  You won't have a clue what they are advertising until the very end.

It is a surprise and a uplifting commercial.  Voted the BEST commercial ever!

 

 

 
 
 

Christian One Liners

Don't let your worries get the best of you; Remember, Moses started out as a basket case. 

 

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+* 

Some people are kind, polite, and sweet-spirited

Until you try to sit in their pews.

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

 

Many folks want to serve God,

But only as advisers.

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

 

It is easier to preach ten sermons

Than it is to live one.

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+* 

The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, 

But mosquitoes come close.  

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+* 

When you get to your wit's end,

You'll find God lives there.

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+* 

People are funny; they want the front of the bus,

Middle of the road,

And back of the church.

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

Opportunity may knock once,

But temptation bangs on the front door forever.

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

 

Quit griping about your church;

If it was perfect, you couldn't belong.

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*  

 

 

If a church wants a better pastor,

It only needs to pray for the one it has. 

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

 

We're called to be witnesses, not lawyers or Judges.

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+* 

God Himself doesn't propose to judge a man until

 

he is dead. So why should you?

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*  

Some minds are like concrete  

Thoroughly mixed up and permanently set.

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+

Peace starts with a smile.  

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

I don't know why some people change churches; 

What difference does it make which one you stay home from? 

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

Be ye fishers of men. You catch 'em - He'll clean 'em.

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

Stop, Drop, and Roll won't work in Hell.

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*  

Coincidence is when God chooses to remain anonymous.

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

Don't put a question mark where God put a period.

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

Don't wait for 6 strong men to take you to church. 

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+* 

Forbidden fruits create many jams. 

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

God doesn't call the qualified, He qualifies the called.

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

God grades on the cross, not the curve.

 

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

God loves everyone,

But probably prefers 'fruits of the spirit' over 'religious nuts!'

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

God promises a safe landing, not a calm passage. 

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

He who angers you, controls you!

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+* 

If God is your Co-pilot, swap seats! 

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

Prayer: 

Don't give God instructions, just report for duty! 

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

The task ahead of us is never a 

great as the Power behind us. 

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

The Will of God never takes you to where the

Grace of God will not protect you.  

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

We don't change the message,

The message changes us.

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

You can tell how big a person is 

By what it takes to discourage him/her.

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

The best mathematical equation I have ever seen:

 

1 cross + 3 nails = 4 given.

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
 
 

 

A few years ago a group of salesmen went to a regional sales convention in Chicago. They had assured their wives that they would be home in plenty of time for Friday night's dinner. In their rush, with tickets and briefcases, one of these salesmen inadvertently kicked over a table which held a display of apples. Apples flew everywhere. Without stopping or looking back, they all managed to reach the plane in time for their nearly-missed boarding... ALL BUT ONE!!! He paused, took a deep breath, got in touch with his feelings, and experienced a twinge of compassion for the girl whose apple stand had been overturned.

He told his buddies to go on without him, waved good-bye, told one of them to call his wife when they arrived at their home destination and explain his taking a later flight. Then he returned to the terminal where the apples were all over the terminal floor. He was glad he did. The 16-year-old girl was totally blind! She was softly crying, tears running down her cheeks in frustration, and at the same time helplessly groping for her spilled produce as the crowd swirled about her; no one stopping and no one to care for her plight. The salesman knelt on the floor with her, gathered up the apples, put them back on the table and helped organize her display. As he did this, he noticed that many of them had become battered and bruised; these he set aside in another basket. When he had finished, he pulled out his wallet and said to the girl, "Here, please take this $40 for the damage we did. Are you okay?” She nodded through her tears. He continued on with, "I hope we didn't spoil your day too badly."

As the salesman started to walk away, the bewildered blind girl called out to him, "Mister...." He paused and turned to look back into those blind eyes. She continued, "Are you Jesus?" He stopped in mid-stride ... and he wondered. He gently went back and said, "No, I am nothing like Jesus - He is good, kind, caring, loving, and would never have bumped into your display in the first place. The girl gently nodded: "I only asked because I prayed for Jesus to help me gather the apples. He sent you to help me, so you are like Him - only He knows who will do His will. Thank you for hearing His call, Mister."

Then slowly he made his way to catch the later flight with that question burning and bouncing about in his soul: "Are you Jesus?" Do people mistake you for Jesus? That's our destiny, is it not? To be so much like Jesus that people cannot tell the difference as we live and interact with a world that is blind to His love, life and grace. If we claim to know Him, we should live, walk and act as He would. Knowing Him is more than simply quoting scripture and going to church. It's actually living the Word as life unfolds day to day.

You are the apple of His eye even though you, too, have been bruised by a fall. He stopped what He was doing and picked up you and me on a hill called Calvary and paid in full for our damaged fruit.

Share this, {IF you feel led to do so}.

Sometimes we just take things for granted, when we really need to be sharing what we know....Thanks.

"Being happy doesn't mean everything is perfect. It means you've decided to see beyond the imperfections."

This made my day. I pray it makes yours as well........

I hope you enjoy this story. It really does strike a nerve as to what we should be doing.

 

Church Sign Chuckles

 

Some favorite messages spotted on church signs or billboards:

-Fire Insurance Inside
-This Church Is Prayer Conditioned
-God Answers Knee Mail
-PRAY NOW! Avoid Christmas Rush!
-Sign broken, come inside for message
-This is a ch--ch. What's missing? U R!
-Stop in the name of love and meet the Supreme
-Wal-Mart's not the only savings place
-The best position is on your knees!

 
Click your mouse here:  
 
 
 
DO YOU KNOW YOUR HYMNS?
 
Dentist's Hymn....................................  Crown Him with Many Crowns
Weatherman's Hymn...........................  There Shall Be Showers of Blessings
Contractor's Hymn...............................  The Church's One Foundation
The Tailor's Hymn...............................  Holy, Holy, Holy
The Golfer's Hymn................................  There's a Green Hill Far Away
The Politician's Hymn..........................  Standing on the Promises!
 
Optometrist's Hymn.............................  Open My Eyes That I Might See
The IRS Agent's Hymn........................  I Surrender All
The Gossip's Hymn................................  Pass It On
The Electrician's Hymn........................  Send The Light
The Shopper's Hymn............................  Sweet Bye and Bye
The Realtor's Hymn...............................  I've Got a Mansion, Just Over the Hilltop
The Massage Therapist's Hymn.............  He Touched Me
The Doctor's Hymn................................  The Great Physician
AND for those who speed on the highway - a few hymns:
 
55 mph ..........................  God Will Take Care of You
75 mph ...........................  Nearer My God To Thee
85 mph ...........................  This World Is Not My Home
95 mph ...........................  Lord, I'm Coming Home
100 mph ..........................  Precious Memories
 
Give me a sense of humor, Lord, Give me the grace to see a joke, To get some humor out of life, And pass it on to other folks.
 
Now this is awesome in just 1 minute 41 seconds!
View it .. and Pass It On !!
 
 
 
 
They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS) actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services: 
-------------------------- 
The Fasting and Prayer Conference includes meals. 
-------------------------- 
The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.'
The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.' 
-------------------------- 
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of
those things not worth keeping around the house.
Bring your husbands. 
-------------------------- 
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community.
Smile at someone who is hard to love.
Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you. 
-------------------------- 
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help. 
-------------------------- 
Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,'
giving obvious pleasure to the congregation. 
-------------------------- 
For those of you who have children and don't know it,
we have a nursery downstairs. 
-------------------------- 
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir.
They need all the help they can get. 
-------------------------- 
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married onOctober 24 in the church.
So ends a friendship that began in their school days. 
-------------------------- 
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall.
Music will follow. 
-------------------------- 
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?'
Come early and listen to our choir practice.  
-------------------------- 
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members
and to the deterioration of some older ones. 
-------------------------- 
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled.
Proceeds will be used to cripple children. 
-------------------------- 
Please place your donation in the envelope along with
the deceased person you want remembered. 
-------------------------- 
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility. 
-------------------------- 
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow. 
-------------------------- 
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind.
They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon. 
-------------------------- 
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church.
Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin. 
-------------------------- 
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the 
Fellowship Hall after the B. S. Is done. 
-------------------------- 
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their
electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday. 
-------------------------- 
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM.
Please use the back door. 
- ------------------------- 
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM.
The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy. 
-------------------------- 
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.
Please use large double door at the side entrance. 
-------------------------- 
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday:
'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.'
 
 
 
 
 
Look at the lines the artist used to draw this picture of Christ.  It is of scenes from Christ's life.
 
In the Circle of God's love, God's waiting to use your full potential.
 
 May God always bless you and yours.
 
 
 
 
 
 
Rules from God
 
 
1. Wake Up !! Decide to have a good day. "Today is the day the Lord hath made; let us rejoice and be glad in it" Psalms 118:24

2. Dress Up !! The best way to dress up is to put on a smile. A smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks. "The Lord does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at outward appearance; but the Lord looks at the heart." I Samuel 16:7
 
3. Shut Up!! Say nice things and learn to listen. God gave us two ears and one mouth, so He must have meant for us to do twice as much listening as talking. "He who guards his lips guards his soul." Proverbs 13:3
 
4. Stand Up!!... For what you believe in. Stand for something or you will fall for anything.. "Let us not be weary in doing good; for at the proper time, we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. Therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good..." Galatians 6:9-10

5. Look Up !!... To the Lord. "I can do everything through Christ who strengthens me." Philippians 4:13
 
6. Reach Up !!... For something higher.. "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not unto your own understanding. In all your ways, acknowledge Him, And He will direct your path." Proverbs 3:5-6

7. Lift Up !!...  Your Prayers. "Do not worry about anything; Instead PRAY ABOUT EVERYTHING." Philippians 4:6
 
 
 
 
Noah's Ark   Everything I need to know , I learned from Noah's Ark .

 
ONE: Don't miss the boat.
TWO: Remember that we are all in the same boat!
THREE: Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the Ark.
FOUR: Stay fit. When you're 60 years old , someone may ask you to do something really big.
FIVE: Don't listen to critics; just get on with the job that needs to be done.
SIX: Build your future on high ground.
SEVEN: For safety's sake , travel in pairs.
EIGHT: Speed isn't always an advantage.. The snails were on board with the cheetahs.
NINE: When you're stressed , float awhile.
TEN: Remember , the Ark was built by amateurs; the Titanic by professionals.
ELEVEN: No matter the storm , when you are with God , there's always a rainbow waiting.

My instructions were to send this to the people that I wanted God to bless and I picked you.. Please pass this on to people you want to be blessed.

(Give it!!  Don't just get it.)

Most people walk in and out of your life.......but FRIENDS leave footprints in your heart.

 
 
 
 
KEEPER
 
 
Their marriage was good, their dreams focused. Their best friends lived barely a wave away. I can see them now, Dad in trousers, tee shirt and a hat and Mom in a house dress; lawn mower in his hand, and dish-towel in hers. It was the time for fixing things. A curtain rod, the kitchen radio, screen door, the oven door, the hem in a dress. Things we keep.

It was a way of life, and sometimes it made me crazy.. All that re-fixing, eating, renewing, I wanted just once to be wasteful. Waste meant affluence. Throwing things away meant you knew there'd always be more.
 

But then my father died, and on that clear summer's night, in the warmth of the hospital room, I was struck with the pain of learning that sometimes there isn't any more. Sometimes, what we care about most gets all used up and goes away...never to return. So... While we have it... it's best we love it.... And care for it.... And fix it when it's broken...... And heal it when it's sick.

This is true... For marriage.... And old cars.... And children with bad report cards..... Dogs and cats with bad hips..... And aging parents.... And grandparents. We keep them because they are worth it, because we are worth it.
 

Some things we keep. Like a best friend that moved away or a classmate we grew up with. There are just some things that make life important, like people we know who are special..... And so, we keep them close!
 

I received this from someone who thinks I am a 'keeper', so I've sent it to the people I think of in the same way.. Now it's your turn to send this to those people that are 'keepers' in your life. Send it back to the person that sent it to you if they too are a keeper. Good friends are like stars.... You don't always see them, but you know they are always there.
 
 
 THE BELL
I KNOW WHO I AM
I am God's child (John 1:12)
I am Christ's friend (John 15:15 )
I am united with the Lord (1 Cor. 6:17)
I am bought with a price (1 Cor 6:19-20)
I am a saint (set apart for God). (Eph. 1:1)
I am a personal witness of Christ.  (Acts 1:8)
I am the salt & light of the earth (Matt 5:13-14)
I am a member of the body of Christ (1 Cor 12:27)
I am free forever from condemnation ( Rom. 8: 1-2)
I am a citizen of Heaven. I am significant (Phil 3:20)
I am free from any charge against me (Rom. 8:31 -34)
I am a minister of reconciliation for God (2 Cor 5:17-21)
I have access to God through the Holy Spirit (Eph. 2:18)
I am seated with Christ in the heavenly realms (Eph. 2:6)
I cannot be separated from the love of God (Rom 8:35-39)
I am established, anointed, sealed by God  (2 Cor 1:21-22 )
I am assured all things work together for good  (Rom. 8:28 )
I have been chosen and appointed to bear fruit (John 15:16 )
I may approach God with freedom and confidence (Eph. 3: 12 )
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me (Phil. 4:13)
I am the branch of the true vine, a channel of His life (John 15: 1-5)
I am God's temple (1 Cor. 3: 16).   I am complete in Christ (Col. 2: 10)
I am hidden with Christ in God (Col. 3:3).. I have been justified (Romans 5:1)
I am God's co-worker (1 Cor. 3:9; 2 Cor 6:1). I am God's workmanship (Eph. 2:10)
I am confident that the good works God has begun in me will be perfected. (Phil. 1: 5)
I have been redeemed and forgiven (Col 1:14). I have been adopted as God's child (Eph 1:5)
I belong to God
Do you know
Who you are?


Keep this bell ringing...pass it on

'The LORD bless you and keep you;
The LORD make His face shine upon you
And be gracious to you;
The LORD turn His face toward you
And give you peace...
Numbers 6:24-26
 
 
When you say, "Good Morning," you are really saying:
 
 
G-od
O-ffers us His
O-utstanding  
D-evotion to

M-ake us
O-bedient &
R-eady for a
N-ew day with Him.
I-nspire others please, and
N-ever forget
G-od loves you!
 
 
The Stethoscope
 
 
Please watch all the way until the very end... it will lighten your heart with an uplifting message.
 
 
 
  
 
The Battle Hymn of the Republic
 
 
 Listen to these high school students.  Wait for the conclusion and listen to the high notes on the trumpet played by a high school student.  One of the fathers recorded this and added some graphic enhancements, then posted it on the web.  The song is the "Battle Hymn of the Republic."  It will deinitely send a few shivers up your spine.  Click below and allow time for it to fully load!     
 
 
 
 
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